


Drift

by Warpony



Series: Feral Echoes [9]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Chains, Collar, Comfort, Dissociation, Gen, Past Abuse, Past Imprisionment, Past Starvation, Psychological Trauma, Situational Mutism, homebrew sign language, no graphic descriptions, past enslavement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24109480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warpony/pseuds/Warpony
Summary: The past can catch up at the most inopportune times.* * * * *Part of a larger WIP involving a D&D Original Character and the Critical Role Mighty Nein.
Series: Feral Echoes [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1711534
Kudos: 24





	Drift

"I'm gonna throw up..." Brunnera muttered as he sank down to sit on the floor. The rest of the Nein sank down shakily all around him. Sagging into heaps on furniture and floor. 

Nott was clinging tightly to a still shaking Yeza, the daze that seemed to have sunk into their bones and bodies matching his exhaustion from his imprisonment. 

Brunnera tiredly dragged his pack around, reaching in he rummaged around until he found a wax paper wrapped package of hard tack. After the meal they had in the tavern of the Dim's Inn it wasn't much but he held it out towards Yeza. The Fighter figured Yeza could cache it somewhere for if he felt hunger creep up on him again in the night. Brunnera knew what it was like to be truly, achingly hallow and empty with no end in sight. A little stored food had always soothed him when that crawling fear of starvation creeped in on his mind. He'd spare Yeza that if he could. The fighter's ears drooped when the halfling flinched instinctively before really looking towards Brunnera and what he was holding out towards him. Slowly he took the hard tack with a whispered thanks, turning it over before tucking it away out of sight. 

Nott looked at him gratefully, Brunnera gave her a dull half smile that faded rapidly. His hands fell back into his lap, fidgeting with the still haunting feeling of the manacles that had been locked around his wrists less than an hour ago. It made his skin itch and his muscle shiver. He kept shaking his head, trying to keep himself from sinking into the sand and gravel of the colosseum pits. Then going down into the dark, walking through the dungeon passed all manner of creatures locked away in cages- 

He dry heaved slightly and slapped shaky hands over his mouth. 

"Okay, seriously. Brunnera if you really are gonna throw up let us find you a bucket or something." Beau looked around anxiously for some kind of receptacle they could use. 

The firbolg fighter breathed slow and deep a few times, trying to calm his roiling gut and push painful memories back and away. Slowly he breathed steady again but when he tried to speak his throat clicked. Mute. He tried again to work up some sound and none came. 

Slowly he lifted his hands and drew a few signs in the air. The language he and the Nein had been working on creating through their journey in the tunnels coming up and weaving through his fingers and palms. 

_I'm okay. Promise._ He signed, hands moving as if drawing arcane marks in the air the same way Caleb did at times. The Nein nodded in response and some of that bubbling anxiety slowly fettered away as Brunnera saw them all understand him together. A warmth pooled in his chest and helped thaw away the numbness in his limbs as he tucked away his trembling hands. 

How he loved this mismatched, misfit family. 

He had been ready to fight the Bright Queen and her knights in the Dynasty throne room for this family. Been ready to let himself be chained and hauled away into a cage for them. 

He set a hand firmly on the copper bracer around his arm. The Revivicuff. He traced the edges of the mountain motifs, feeling his heart slowing a little to a calmer steady beating than the staccato it had been for the last hour or so. 

He breathed again getting ahold of himself enough to reach into his pack and pull out the Queen's seal, turning it to catch the light just a bit. He vaguely saw the others pull out their seals and look them over as well. 

"Well... that happened..." Beau muttered. " _How_ did that happen..."

Brunnera grunted in response but he only just barely listened as the group made plans for the next day, a fair share of gold was put into his hands and they gently teased Yeza and relayed a mismash of their stories and escapades.

He did listen enough that when the blue dragon was mentioned that his ears pinned, lips curled in a snarl and his fur fluffed up. Yeza jumped nervously but settled down when Brunnera relaxed again. 

He truly cued in when Beau muttered the mantra that circled at the core of the Nein. 

_Leave every place better than you found it._

The fighter managed to shake off a bit of his malaise to listen, about the war and the Dynasty and the Cerberus Assembly. A ridge of bristled fur refused to lie flat as he mulled over again the bits of Caleb's story, the torture and abuse and way he'd been used and suffered through. It was a different story with a familiar tone. 

Made to fight, brutalized when they failed or resisted. Brunnera wondered if Caleb had ever heard the sounds of his bones breaking just before the pain hit. Or had ever had to use mud sluiced together with precious drinking water to sooth scorched flesh. It didn't sound quite right to him... Caleb's tormentors had magic... they'd rarely wasted magic on him... the String were experts at the art of survivalable torment. They'd known how to puncture a lung just right to make a match more difficult, or dislocate a joint in a way that it could be put back in just as neatly after a night of agony, how to slice a blade over the soft flesh of an ear without cutting it clean off...

He felt himself drifting again. The night turning into a blurry rush of colors and disjointed sounds. It was making him feel distant and unconnected. The fighter actually jumped when Fjord clapped him on the shoulder. His eyes jerked around the room, Beau, Jester, Nott and Yeza were gone, broken off to find their own beds.

"You look like you need some sleep, Brunny." The Hexblade drawled with a tired smile. It took a moment to focus on him and nod mutely, it made Fjord's smile falter. "Brunnera? You okay?"

He blinked a few times before slowly shaking his head. He tried to speak but his throat wouldn't work. He signed again, a sharp, jerk of a symbol. 

_No_

Fjord bit his lip, not sure what to do when Caduceus cleared his throat gently. "I, uh, I might be able to help with that."

It took a moment for Brunnera to track to the other firbolg as Caduceus stepped a little closer, dipping to look him in the eye. "Something really upset you today, didn't it?"

"How do you mean?" Fjord asked quietly.

"He's doing that thing. People do sometimes. When things are alot. Alot more than normal. And get lost in their heads." Caduceus assessed.

Brunnera started to drift again. They weren't talking to him directly. The fighter felt himself sinking further away from the inn room around him, a suffocating heat folding around him and the collar suddenly felt like it was tightening around his throat. 

He sucked in a choked gasp of air, jumping when he felt a firm patting on his cheek, jolting and trying to look at Caduceus again. 

"Yep. He's definitely getting lost in there. Brunnera, stay with us, alright? Try to focus." The cleric coaxed. 

"Dissociation." Caleb's voice drifted between them. "Thats what they call it in... in asylums... Dissociation..."

"Name as terrible as the thing itself." Caduceus rumbled softly.

"Should we slap him?" Fjord asked carefully.

" _Nein._ That would not be a good idea. He was a, uh, _der kämpfer_ for a very long time. _Jäger_. No it would not be wise to do anything that might be considered... aggressive." Caleb warned, watching Brunnera intently from next to Yasha. His blue eyes were starting to shimmer over molten gold and red as he quietly started to weave together a bit of magic, just in case.

"Brunnera? What's got you getting lost? Can you remember?" Caduceus coaxed gently, trying to catch the fighter's eyes.

Brunnera blinked slowly, hands automatically scraping over his wrists. Caduceus cocked his head a bit, ears flicking. 

"The chains." Yasha hummed softly, catching the movement. "They had chains on us, him and I... in the throne room... then we went down into that prison... with all the cells..." 

Brunnera jerkily lifted his hands up to clutch at the collar around his throat, pulling the sash loose and letting it fall into his lap. Everything felt like it was choking him. Stealing his breath. The fighter tried not to panic as he tugged on the Demarcate and found no give. His voice came out cracked and warbled, pitching and dying in a way that he was clearly forcing out each sound, "Caleb... Caleb... get... it off... please..."

" _Nein. Nein, mein freund._ " Caleb murmured softly. "We're to exhausted for that, we need rest before we try..." 

Brunnera started to pant anxiously when he was refused. The fighter jumped as large firm hands held him suddenly in place, forcing him to look Caduceus in the face, the cleric gave him a little shake. 

"None of that, Brunnera." Caduceus commanded gently. "You're going to have to stay here with us, alright. I know you recognize us. You said Caleb's name. Do you remember mine?"

Brunnera's throat bobbed, starting and choking on sound three times before his hands moved instead, lifting shakily towards his forehead, his hand moved as if it was combing down a long length of hair over one side of his face, down to his chest where he pressed his palm flat over his sternum. _Caduceus_.

"Good. Alright. Now who's that?" The cleric gently sent the fighter's eyeline to Fjord. The half-orc gave him a sad half smile and a silent nod of encouragement.

Brunnera crossed his arms high on his chest, his overlapped wrists tucking under his chin and hands gripping the tops of his collarbone on either side of his neck. The Hexblade mimicked the sign with a nod. "Yeah, Brunny. That's me. That's _Fjord_. Keep going."

The fighter's breath was coming a little easier as he looked towards Yasha, he folded arms one over the other, gripping his forearms with each hand so that he nearly touched his bent elbows. _Yasha_. 

His eyes switched again and his hands lifted up, hands open and fingers spread so they laid along his wrists before turning so the back of one hand was pressed to the palm of the other and his fingers fanning out. _Caleb_.

The wizard snapped his fingers and his fey familiar puffed into existence next to Brunnera on the floor. The cat _mmurrped_ softly and rubbed his whole, sleek body against the fighter's leg before hopping into his lap. It was hard to say if Caleb had prompted his familiar to act or if Frumpkin had done it himself. On their first meeting the familiar had recognized Brunnera's fey blood and like Caduceus taken a natural liking to the firbolg. The fighter let out a long breath before arching his hands like claws and brushing them over his cheeks. _Frumpkin_.

The familiar tucked all his feet neatly under himself in Brunnera's lap and only purred louder when the fighter's massive hand gently rubbed an ear. 

"There. Now I think you're back here with us again." Caduceus said gently as the cleric moved to sit cross-legged next to Brunnera. "If you're not opposed I think it might make you feel better to meditate and calm down a little. It's always helped me. Think you'd like to give it a try?"

The fighter looked suddenly exhausted, drained and hallow and aching as he slumped a bit where he sat. His head and eyes cast off to the side in shame. He licked his lips once but still couldn't manage to make any sound.

"I would like to join you... if that's alright..." Yasha asked, already seating herself down next to Caduceus.

"Me, too. Caleb?" Fjord asked, looking over.

The wizard gently shook his head as he drew the tome out from the holster under his arm and moving towards the small chair and desk in the corner of the room. "I will work a bit on my spellbook, but Frumpkin seems to want to try."

Fjord shrugged but settled himself down, on Brunnera's other side, closing their small circle. The fighter couldn't help a small, tired smile crossing his face as he shifted to try and mimic how Caduceus was sitting. He was finally able to listen, focus and let what Caduceus was saying about the Wildmother and meditation sink in.

The fighter couldn't claim to be the best meditation student of the night, spending a good part of the time sneaking little scratches under Frumpkin's jaw and more letting the calm steady breathing and drum of heartbeats around him sooth away the numbness that had tried to smother him.

The next day while they were shopping Brunnera added another diamond to his cuff; and he added a little bundle of incense and charcoal into his pack. Just in case.

**Author's Note:**

> I always hesitate to write stuff like this because it can be hard for me to write and others to read but this is a part of Brunnera's life and existence. Old scars are there for a reason and they really shouldn't be ignored. 
> 
> I thought about using actual American Sign Language (ASL) signs for the names of the Nein but I've always believed in the tradition that you should get to make up the sign for your own name. Though the sign for 'Frumpkin" is the ASL sign for 'tiger'. If you ever want to learn some ASL (like I am trying to) there's a good resource at 'www.handspeak.com' where you can search for signs by word or word association and a video actually shows you the sign in real time. It's pretty neat. 
> 
> We are certainly close to that jumping off point where the storyline goes major AU and more characters are brought in. 
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time out to read this! I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
